Death

---

There was a time I was safe, I am sure of that. When that was, I gave up trying on to think about a few minutes ago.

It hurts

I couldn’t beleive it. It was too fast.

Nightmares are supposed to only happen when you are sleeping. I was promised that many times.

There was a person who said that, and there was another who brought me from bed and out here. I don’t know what is happening, and I don’t know where they are.

It’s loud

I was told to count and wait, I think. I was told it was important. There was a sound like a train though, as if screaming at me to go run to get on.

It was a little hard a while ago, now it was impossible.

Red. Everything is turning red. Fire, there’s fire everywhere and nowhere there is not.

“One…two..three..four….five….six….seven….eight…nine…ten.”

I counted to ten, but no one came to wake me up. I had counted a few times already.

I was crying, but it was boiling on my cheeks. The heat was only rising.

It hurts.

It is hot. I feel small, like a single piece of rice in a boiling pot. My eyes are burning because everything is red.

So I shut them and run. The only thought left is to find somewhere less hot. So I ran, I don’t know how long. When I looked back, my house was no longer there. Even my fingers were red.

‘Ahh, I see. This is my punishment.’ I didn’t listen, and now it’s gone.

My eyes hurt. I had to go back to my house and wait. But I didn’t know where my house was anymore. I was desperate, so I raised my head which I’d kept hidden with my hands until now. …And I finally confronted the scene.

The flames dance on every object in sight. The fire writhes as if it were a worm, desperately searching for more to burn.

“Ah-h, guh.” I couldn’t hold back in pain anymore.

My skin was hurting. My throat hurt when I breathed in. My skin cracked by staying alive.

I moved my legs, wanting to escape, but something heavy entangled around my legs like shackles.

I knew that it was the presence of death wanting to take me.

“Hu-h?”…But it sure was hot.

My nails tearing at my throat were discoloured. The air I breathed in stung my burned esophagus. My eyes abandoned their function, and my brain was being steamed inside my skull.

“Wh-y?”

It’s hot.

It’s hot, it’s hot, it’s hot, it’s hot, it’s hot, it’s hot, it’s hot, it’s hot, it’s hot, it’s hot it’s hot it’s hot it’s hot it’s hot it’s hot it’s hot it’s hot…!

“Haa-a.” But It was cold. I was shivering. It had pushed past the boiling point all the way to the freezing point. The burning blood froze up, and everything in my view was inverted. Everything was hot. That’s why it was cold. And still, it was ridiculously hot.

…But. What was the cause of it? It seemed to be the last thought worth thinking before letting go.

‘I see…’ My weak eyes caught something not red.

A black sun was in the sky. I didn’t find it strange that the sun was up during the night or that the sun was black. After all, everything was inverted in a nightmare.

“Ahahh…!”

Still, fear overwhelmed my heart. I wasn’t afraid of the raging fires. Compared to that black shadow, burning up and dying seemed like a human death. I knew I’d be taken someplace even worse if that thing caught me.

I wanted to run. My mind screamed out, and my heart quaked.

Do anything but go there!

Just run already!

Yet my body had no energy left for that, so I just acted out of instinct.

I walked towards it, one step, two steps, three steps. My legs failed.

I don’t know why, but everything suddenly turned black.

I had fallen into a puddle, and I was left looking up.

It was filthy black mud. It was repugnant. But… there is no way I can get up anymore. My body was there, but the will to live had crumbled. There could be no survival; I was already dead.

It hurt…!

So, I stared blankly at the sky. Clouds gathered there, white and ready to wash away all the suffering.

At least some may be saved. I reach for that hope. When I saw that it would rain soon, I closed my eyes, and my outstretched hand promptly fell towards the ground.

---

“By my third command spell, I order you again…” I project my voice to reiterate the command. Her noble phantasm is already primed to fire.

“Stop…!” She shrieks in desperation, but I won’t hesitate. My only thought is to end this.

“…Saber, destroy the grail.” The last red mark on my right hand disappears, and the golden sword slashes downwards.

Golden light, as bright as the sun but not as invasive, envelopes the room. The grail is destroyed, and the room explodes with debris as dust flies in the air.

Despite myself, my shoulders relax as I can see that the grail is gone. Without adrenaline coursing my body, I feel utterly exhausted. Despite the support of Avalon, I feel downright lethargic. The swirl of dust calms and clears the air. Both the grail and Saber are gone without a trace.

‘It is over then. I am sorry.’

I can at least leave a silent apology to the foolish yet noble king. I can take solace in the fact that it is over. All I achieved was preventing a catastrophe of my own making, with the method of destroying my own family.

‘Ilya…’

Even for you, I can’t abandon my ideal. There are other families in this world, too… This is the end. A long tiresome ideal is now finished. If this will just-

….

Like a strike of lightning through my body I am hit by a sudden sight.

I look up to gaze at the stars and… “That’s…” my voice breaks; my throat constricts.

It is complete doom made manifest. Just looking at it is enough for any person to become completely hopeless.

There is something pouring out from what was supposed to have been destroyed.

The wish that would have caused the birth of total destruction was itself destroyed, yet…

The right decision was made, yet…

It pours, trying to escape.

It is a black swirl, an overpowering presence that promises a horrible death to those that gaze at it. The corruption is here, despite my efforts. There is a cracking sound somewhere as if to announce my final failure. A river of black mud pours down from the hole and fills the floor beneath me.

“…Impossible.” It is a stream of pollution bringing all the evils of the world. “There’s no way!” It drops mercilessly despite my pleas.

This is what I was enveloped in earlier, ‘if this goes in the city!’ my mind is frozen; my brain cannot handle this scene. The river from the sky stops, but a tsunami of black is already pouring out into the residential area, and fire erupts around it.

Like napalm it ignites a firestorm where there was nothing but peace before.

The fire quickly spreads within mere seconds.

I made the right choice.

It’s a sight that makes the weight in my heart feel even heavier. I can hear the people’s voices in my head; they say that this is my fault. They say that I don’t save people, only kill them. They tell me that I sacrificed my own family for this. They are right. That dream… is not something that I will ever achieve, and I have now dragged all these people into my failure.

I made the right choice.

Have I ever actually saved someone? On the contrary, I have killed countless people, sometimes even innocents, people who did no wrong. Yet whose lives would have caused more death in the end?

I made the right choice.

I have never directly saved a single person, only killed. But I still can. That’s all I have ever really wanted. To save, to be a hero.

I made the right choice. And yet..

I am running into the fire. I must save them, as many as possible. Fire pricks at me, but my reinforced clothes protect me. I put everything I have left to run.

Where I start are the houses nearest to the black sun, they are gone. I walk farther and farther. I have no energy remaining. I would collapse if not for this dream. I want to save someone. No- I need to.

‘There!’

A girl is in the rubble in front of me. I move as quickly as I can, but my speed is akin to a zombie. It’s like a weight is pulling me down.

She is covered in soot, but there seem to be no serious burns. She must be alive, ‘I can save her!’. I take the child into my arms. Her black hair in my hands. She needs medical help, help that I can’t provide.

And yet…

“Help!” Please, somebody. I walk with her in my hands, looking for anyone to help or be helped. “Anyone! Please!” Please, just this once, let me save someone. I scream and scream, but nobody answers; in fact, I know my voice is little compared to the roar of the fire.

I look to the child in my arms. I can at least save her, if anything. But her eyes are dark, they know my crime. She does not breathe. I bring my mouth to hers and bring air to her lungs, but it doesn’t work…

Her lungs don’t work anymore.

Smoke kills you before the fire itself will burn you. I can kill a hundred men with it, but I don’t know how to save one child from it.

The name on her school uniform reads Miyu. It was always better not to know names.

‘Ughhhhh!’ Sickening feelings course through me.

My tears come out pathetically. The heat doesn’t even bother me now.

I can’t accept it, though. There must be some way I can do something. I cry like a baby; I beg for help. I hear their condemnation for my crime: not a single life saved! A child the same age as Illya; her body is so preserved, yet she is dead.

‘I’m sorry!’ is all I can offer as I leave her body.

Not even one!

The insidous voice grows louder every second.

Each body I run past, each live lost is a new voice.

Do you see now?

Yes.

I made the right choice, but choicing at all is pointless.

There is no such thing as a hero in this world.

My pride burns.

I can’t accept it.

If I accept that…

It all meant nothing.

So my mind turns back to steel, and I go on even with a broken heart, mind, and body.

There is nothing; Time is meaningless now. I walk and walk until my knee can barely exert themselves anymore. To be a hero, that is the only thought holding me as one. If I lose that, then I will fade away.

There were those I thought I could save before.

There are no people now.

Certainly, there are things that look like humans, but they are ghouls—shrivelled objects that now had more in common with the ash than the living.

I find trash.

It was a home not an hour ago.

I dig, and I dig. I am searching for my salvation. I can survive this if I can just save someone.

I dig up baby shoes.

I dig up ash.

I dig up nothing.

I do not cry for the dead; I cry for myself. I cry more than I have in my entire life.

I will die if I do not.

I go on. I realize I am dead too, so there is no difference between me and the ash.

Something is standing there looking and moving.

I see a shape there, a familiar man. But I can tell, it is not one I can save, an upright corpse. So I continue to dig until my mind is on the verge of drifting away. I walk. Behind me lies the weight of death. I could fall and let it end. Yet my mind is steel and won’t bend.

Just one thing. Please.

There is something I need to do. I can not let it end. I walk on until the world begins to change; light comes from the east. The fire has gone down, but only because there is nothing left to burn.

There is ash in the air and the screaming has stopped.

The air cools, and the sky darkens.

It is over and my heart cracks and buckles.

Yet at that moment, something is there.

Something that had fallen into the worst of it.

Something that at that moment reached one last time towards the sky.

I see him then, at that time. My salvation: A red-haired boy, his arm outstretched into the sky, asking to be saved. I rush to him, each step expending a year off my life in exchange.

And as his hand falls, I am there to catch it.

I am saved.

---

If the wish to stay alive dies, everything disappears.

If you have nothing, all that remains is to die. And I died.

Thinking became difficult, and I closed my eyes. And right as everything was turning black, someone grabbed my outstretched hand.

My eyes open and see a man with frazzled black hair; he held my hand preciously, smiling an ecstatic smile. He seemed so happy, as if he, not I, was the one that was saved.

“Thank you…” he tearfully said. I couldn’t help being jealous of how grateful he was. He had the strength left only to smile. “Thank you,” he held my hand to his cheek.

That was everything to me; there was nothing, so he was everything. As I fall into a deep sleep, I feel a warmth fill my body, and my will to live returns.

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