Interlude: Lost Child

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A bright light, white, not red, fills my vision.

‘Why would it be red? Don’t be stupid… The world can’t be red.’

It just can’t.

The room is cold.

…

…

“Hot…?”

But my heart feels hot.

My eyes hurt, so I closed them.

The last thing I remember was dinner; we had that tasty stew that Mom liked to make. My brother was being a doofus, we played a little, and then I fell right asleep. I dreamt of a hot place. It was incredibly wet.

There was a terrible storm, and everything was swept away. The air was thick with heat, like an oven door flung open, suffocating and relentless.

That was the dream anyway.

I’m sad.

I’m sad even though I don’t know why.

It is weird though… I don’t know why, but something feels off, like a missing piece in a puzzle I can’t quite see.

“My first dream…”

My big brother always had dreams, but this was my first. I don’t like dreams either.

But dreams aren’t real, Mom said.

Yet this isn’t my room. My room was warm and nice, and I was never sad there.

A high room, with lots of beds with kids just like me in each one. It was dark now. There was no sound. Cables ran into my arm. My eyes pulsed from straining.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

The only thing that stirred in that room was the machine; everyone else was so still it was like they were statues.

I don’t get it. I have to go to school; I think they do too. Definitely, I know some kids here.

Maybe they just didn’t want to go.

I could speak, but they must be playing some type of silent game, so I didn’t dare. All these kids and not one woke to speak; it’s something they could never pull off in school. The silent game was Dad’s favorite, and I was quite skilled.

That lasted for a good while. It was a school day, and I got to sleep in, so why rush? I wasn’t feeling well anyway.

Someone came into the room, but I didn’t want to move and ruin the game.

But, to be honest… I was ready for this to end now. Even if they would hate me, I kind of wanted to go home.

So I moved a little.

She seemed surprised to see my eyes open and moving. She immediately ran out of the room. ‘Oh, no, she saw that I was awake.’ She came back with an unfamiliar man in rustled white clothing. I thought they were angry at me for not being quiet enough, so I shut my eyes tight. They came to both sides of my bed; the woman took my hand.

“Are you awake, young lady?” she said in a soft voice; she wasn’t Mom, though. I shook my head. I didn’t want her to think that I wasn’t taking the game seriously. “No? You’re not awake?” She placed her hand on my forehead. “You don’t have to be quiet, you know. Don’t just hold it all in.”

Guess we’re not playing anymore. When I opened my eyes, she asked a strange question. “If you had to rank your pain from zero to ten, what would it be?”

I was confused. ‘Why would I be in pain?’ I thought. Just a little headache; my eyes were pulsing a bit. My heart was hot.

“Zero. No pain. I feel okay.” My voice was scratchy now that it came out.

“Are you sure, no pain at all…? Please don’t hide it.” She seemed really surprised.

She was trying to exude a calming voice, but again, she wasn’t Mom. She wasn’t Nii-san or Papa.

“Well, a little thirsty,” I admitted.

“Oh…! Please let me get that for you.” She ran off to get water as if it were the most important thing in the world.

There were other people in white watching from the shadows.

I don’t know these people; why are they all looking at me?

“…You were the first to wake up, you know. We’re delighted to have you doing so well.” The man spoke up now slowly; all I could tell was that he was not Dad. Not Mom or Dad, shouldn’t we be getting ready soon? “Young lady, I know you may be disoriented, but you are in the hospital. There was a fire. Do you remember anything about what happened to you?” He gave a strained smile, his lips curling awkwardly, as if he were forcing an expression he didn’t truly feel. I didn’t really know what he was talking about.

It was a bunch of nonsense. My mouth didn’t move, but he didn’t say anything more either.

Then the small nurse came back with the water. “Here, sit up,” the man helped me move up on the bed, so I was sitting on my behind. “Ok, here you go,” she held the water to my mouth and poured it little by little down my throat. ‘That’s weird…’ My arms won’t move. “Feel a little better now?”

“Yeah…”

“Do you mind if we ask some more questions?” The doctor with black eyes asked me.

“…Okay,” they didn’t ask any before.

“First, introductions. I am Doctor Nakamura, and this is Nurse Koyama. Could you give us your name?” I could give my name. Mom used to make me say it to the other kids all the time. It’s an important name and is the only one that matters.

“…no.”

But I won’t. For some reason, it feels like saying that name would turn my throat to ash.

“…I see. I don’t wish to pressure you at all. You don’t need to say anything.” The doctor took notes while the nurse held my hand. “We would also like to connect you with your family if possible; do you know their names?” Obviously, I do!

“Well, Dad is Ren, Mom is Elza, and Nii-san is Shirou.” There used to be Luka too, but he left before I knew him too well.

“Could you describe what they look like?”

“Mom has red hair, and she’s very pretty; Dad has black hair, and he’s very pretty, and there’s Shirou, he’s ugly. He has spiky hair!” Shirou would always laugh when I made that joke, but they seemed to take it seriously.

“…Thank you so much. This is important information. I think names will be enough for now…” He wasn’t smiling anymore, looking at all those others in the shadows. “In her condition, it is a miracle she spoke at all… But this does happen extremely rarely; unfortunately, she will not survive another night.” He said strange words far away.

I was happy to be useful, but I was ready to go home now. But for some reason, these strangers kept me here and kept pestering me with questions.

I needed someone to just bring home since my arms felt a little tired.

Every so often they would come. For some reason, they just kept mostly ignoring everyone else. Sometimes they would all go to someone all at once, and it was really loud, but it never lasted long. Each time, the room got quieter with less beeping.

“Now, do you… recall what happened?”

What happened? I just went to bed and woke up here, or are they asking about that. “I don’t know. Can I go home now?” I didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t care.

“…Listen… I understand this is very difficult now. You have to understand these words, though. There was a big fire; your house is… gone. You were brought here by the firemen; do you understand? It is important that you can understand.”

I don’t really know what they were talking about. They weren’t Mommy or Daddy. “I want to go home now.”

They left me alone.

But they kept coming back. I told them Shirou was ugly.

“Do you remember anything more? Any detail could help with finding your family.”

No, I don’t, and maybe I’d rather not. Why are you bringing this up? Why do they hate me? “I want to go home NOW!”

I am angry about something; what was it that was so red? My heart was pulsing fast, and tears fell from my face. I hate crying. I do it all the time, but I wish I could be strong like Dad; he never cries. I was a crybaby, but I had no way of stopping it! Where’s Shirou!?

The nurse held my hand very tight. “Please listen, I know it’s hard, but the faster you understand, the easier you will be able to accept this.”

‘There is nothing to accept!’

“Mommy! Mommy! Where are you…!?” Help me get away from these strangers. My face is hot, and I’m shaking. I place my hands on my face and lay back down. Where is everyone? Didn’t we just have dinner?

I hate dreams! I didn’t wish for this!

“Nurse Koyama, I think it would be best to give her some time.” I lost the warmth in my hand and was left alone. I cried until slipping into sleep. The same conversation repeated itself the next day as well, with the same result.

I don’t get it, but there is a limit to delusion even for a kid.

Time can open any wound.

The other kids in the other beds never did wake up. Some were taken away. I learned that the room’s name was the intensive burn section, but I didn’t have any burns. It was a stupid name. The other kids were barely there anymore; their weak bodies would barely wish for anything. I could not save them even if I knew how to anymore.

I was the only one there; it was like they didn’t even notice me for a while.

Until… “I believe we have found your mother. But please understand that-” You’ve never seen someone go from depressed to near mania so fast. I jumped right out of bed.

It didn’t hurt at all, really.

There was a big scene and many nurses and doctors screamed at me because I messed up the bed by getting up. There were all those things on there. They looked at me all weirdly, but I just didn’t care at all. I was sick of being in bed, so I got up, that’s all. I just wished to get out, so it happened.

I was so happy to get out and go home.

Everything was colorful for a little while.

“Where is she? She’s with Shirou and Dad? Of course, she is. Let’s go now!” I’m shy, but sometimes I can get my way. I practically forced those people to let me go.

My body was covered in weird white tape, though, so I don’t know.

Pulling the sleeve of the doctor, I guide him into the hall. He stops me there, though. “Please slow down, girl… How are you even- Hah…” He sighed. “Do you know what a coma is?”

He looked at my happy expression with a grimace.

“Nope! That’s a big word!” I gave him my full toothy smile.

He makes a deep sigh. His face was so grim; why not be happy instead? It looked hard on him to talk with a kid like me. “Your mother is… sleeping, and it is tough for her to wake up. So hard that she may not be able to.” His words slice my optimism.

“So she’s just dreaming? Then we can wake her up, right? Just shake her a little!”

I try to open the door where we stand, but I can’t muster any strength in my arms.

There are a lot of strange big people watching, I think.

“Unfortunately, it is like a dream that she is… stuck in… I am so sorry, but in her condition, I do believe she will wake up again.”

“What are you saying…?” This is not what I want. “…I don’t believe you!” It’s not true if I deny it. I can make things change.

He takes my hand and answers, “It may be better to see for yourself…”

“Yes! Let me see! I’ll show you!”

The walk isn’t far, but there are many people here, even army men. Some people with skin that looks warped; I look away from those people. The room is like mine, but with older people and… ‘There!’ A woman lying in a big bed with lots of things connecting to her.

There is nothing but the smell of ash.

There is a white mass on that bed, covered in tape just like me, but worse.

I don’t care about that.

The same red hair that reflected in mine, a face that is perfectly understood. It really was her; I ran right into her bed and buried myself in the sheets. ‘Wake up, Mommy!’ Let’s get out of here and go home!

I just need to wish, and it will be fixed.

The first fifteen minutes I spent trying to wake her up. She was still sleeping.

‘Wake up, mommy! What did you do to her!?’ The second fifteen minutes I spent pulling a full tantrum on the doctor. He was to blame, after all. ‘Wake up, mommy! What did you do to her!? Wah!’ After that, I spent an equal amount of time crying and sleeping next to her. The doctor tried to move me, but I refused. After much complaining, crying, and outright fighting, he allowed me to stay.

“You’re too healthy to have your own bed anyway…” He grunted under his breath. “Please… take your time. I can’t understand what you are going through now, but I will come back in twenty minutes to check on you. Okay?” He said and left me alone.

“Just leave us alone! Leave us alone forever, and go away!” I yelled at those people in white. I wished that they would just leave me alone forever.

I stayed in that room after that, watching over Mom. I was sure she would wake up at some point. Then we would find Dad and Shirou and go home, or… If they’re telling the truth about that fire, then we could find a new home. It’s not true though… it’s just not!

From that time forward, no one came into that room.

I looked over them, but no one looked over me. The doctors and nurses came back each day looking more haggard, there were so many patients, and I was considered too healthy I guess to be cared for.

I had one wish so surely the more important one would come too.

I was lonely, but one day there was a new presence. Another kid like me came into the next room. She had a sleeping mom like me. She wore a red dress that reached down to her knees and had nice raven-haired twin tails. Out of place compared to my oversized hospital gown and dirty red hair.

She seemed to be able to see me though.

She was always very quiet. I don’t know her from school, maybe she was older.

I walked next to her and summoned some courage to greet her. “Hello, is your mom asleep too?” I introduce myself like I was taught to by Mom. She looked at me as if I had said something wrong, and I couldn’t help but look at the floor. “I’m sorry, I’m just a little lonely. No one likes to talk to me but my brother.”

“Yes, my mother is… asleep. I see. What is it that you want?” She says so with a face that has cried so much it can’t anymore. Yet she keeps it together like stone. I mean, this girl seemed so strong despite being in the same place as me.

“No. My mom is sleeping too. I… just want to talk…”

“I could see that; what is your name?.”

“I don’t really remember… but I have a middle name in German! Katarina! My mom was- in German actually.”

“I see, you may call me Tohsaka.” She looks away uninterested maybe. “German, eh. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?”

“Uh…? What does that mean…?” She looked at me like I was an idiot.

“Forget it.”

There is an awkward silence.

I hate silence.

Think of something else to say, think, think. Ok, got it. “…What kind of toys do you like?” The tension in her face seems to drop a little.

“…You are an idiot aren’t you…?”

“Well… kinda. Sorry.”

“…It’s fine. Just, do you not understand the situation you are in right now?

“Not really.”

“I will explain it to you then.”

She talked to me a lot after that about a lot of difficult things.

I didn’t really understand. No, I didn’t wish to understand. I had heard it from the doctors but now I was hearing it from another kid like me. Someone who lost something that day.

There was a fire. Many people died, and my home was probably utterly destroyed. There is no going back. She was a kid but she talked like the doctors did. She was really cool like a hero.

I didn’t cry or deny anything this time.

“Why don’t you just wish for things to go back to the way they were?”

She looked at me as if I were completely stupid.

“If you want to keep on wishing do so, but you will have to grow up someday when you realize wishes are just convenient excuses for children. I don’t know… but If I wish for things to change, that would throw everything that man worked for.”

I didn’t know who that was she spoke of. I thought of the person I wanted to see again too, but I just wanted to see him.

“Why don’t you just want to see that person again?”

“That’s… just not how it works.”

She balled her fist but didn’t walk away.

We talked about other things to pass the time. The hallway was busy and even she had to wait and wait like me.

I was taught that wishes always came true. Mine did anyway. I wished a lot to go back to the nice time so I just assumed it would come at some point.

I am naturally shy, but by acting like my brother, I could try and make friends. By pretending to be like everyone else I could almost act as if I were normal. After that we talked for three hours straight, at first she was a bit sad, and I was probably annoying her. But over time, my constant questioning was met with longer and longer answers.

She was really mature but still, she was a girl.

Of course, we spoke mostly of nonsense, just acting our age for a while. I could tell that we were the same though, we were both lost children. I’m the young one, the one in need. Mom told me once that I was precious to the family, someone who was a blessing to others, she said.

I almost believed her.

Tohsaka’s mother was like mine, yet now she looked on with eyes of fire while I could never bear to look at mine.

Tohsaka was strong. Maybe that was why it was easy to talk with her. She was the older and clean big sister type, and I was the young, dirty burn victim. She had lost a lot too, but she still had a lot left.

Of course, she left for the day, but I made her promise to come again. She seemed a little happier than when she first appeared.

It was lonely when Tohsaka wasn’t there.

I was just so bored, that I thought that maybe I should go look for Shirou or Dad, but when I thought about Mom waking up while I would be gone, I’d hesitate and be too afraid to leave. So I became a de facto nurse for the room. I helped in any way I could; the bandages on my body didn’t trouble me so much anymore. I don’t know since I don’t like looking at myself anymore. Mom was covered in them too, so they must be fine.

There were no nurses or doctors. They must have forgotten about us. I did everything I could to keep things going for Mom. I learned quickly spying on what the nurses did and copying them, it wasn’t too hard I don’t think.

At some point I was looking out, waiting for Tohsaka to come back and fiddling with my thumbs. That was when I saw it.

Red.

There was a lot of red on the ground as many people ran by, of course ignoring me.

There was something in a bed, and it was all shriveled up.

“Oh.”

I think I knew that person. Enough recognition to know that you saw that thing before, yet not enough for a name to ever be remembered.

There was nothing they could do and their attempts to keep that thing alive were pointless from the start. Yet they tried regardless.

The husk wasn’t a person.

All that was left of that person was the blood.

Red stains on a dirty hospital floor. That is what you might amount to if you aren’t careful.

Blood…..made bad memories come to the forefront. A crimson liquid that would fall on the floor when someone died from a sudden convulsive attack.

A few days ago I saw this scene for the first time. I didn’t understand it.

The first time a patient died, I don’t know how I felt; he didn’t look too different from when he was sleeping.

Is that it…? No waking up…?

Fear began to break my carefully constructed plan to fix this.

Was that what would happen to Mom? Would she really just leave like that?

There were more husks after that as those who survived the initial fire were forced to simply wait for a slow death.

My wish became corrupt and selfish. I no longer believed in a good world, so I wished for one where I would get what I wanted.

“More treatment for mom. Maybe they needed to go first before Mom could wake up. Maybe they just need the rest to go before coming to see us.”

That carried on for another three days or so I think.

One day they noticed me again.

The Doctor came in wanting to talk to me. “You are too young for this. I can’t imagine what it is like for you right now.” He lowered himself down to my level. “I hoped too that your mother’s condition could improve but It would be wrong now to give you false hope.”

Huh? My mind was empty.

“Your father….we have confirmed his death. And you’re brother, we looked for a Shirou, but we couldn’t find him anywhere around that wasn’t accounted for.” He hugged me. “There will be a person who will come to see you today to talk about your mother… and where you go from now on. You can forget about all this, can’t you? Just live a new life?”

“Where were you…? Why didn’t you help Mom? Dad is…? Huh?”

What does dead mean again? Maybe he said it wrong.

“I’m very sorry… We’ve done everything we could for her now. When I spoke to you yesterday and brought you to this room, it was already almost the end of what modern medicine can fix. I’m truly sorry.”

“Yesterday…?”

No.

That was so long ago. Like a week or a month or just so long,

No.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand.

I do understand.

There was a fire. My home burned.

I could see it in the back of my mind, suppressed, but there. Mom held me, there was a glow on my body, and next to us was Dad, but….….he did not resemble Dad anymore, I think that was when I blacked out.

There was wind. She yelled at the fire, yet the wind just made it all worse.

I was broken. I choked and died.

I don’t like blood.

Not because of the smoke, but because my mind couldn’t handle seeing Dad like that. I never knew what happened to Shirou, but if they can’t find him, then that’s probably it too. Because I knew that deep down this was a foregone conclusion and that only one person was to blame for it all.

People did come after that but I threw a fit when they tried to make me leave with them and talk but I knew if I did I would never see Mom again. I was able to stay but I knew I would be forced to go sooner or later.

After a long time of waiting, I did see Tohsaka again. Maybe the next day, or month, or year, I don’t know how long things took anymore.

Later, when I see Tohsaka, I can’t help but break the unspoken rule to not speak about what is really happening now.

“My dad is gone now; that’s what they said to me.” I didn’t want to scare her away, but I couldn’t stop.

“I see…” She’s staring at her mom; I stare at the ground.

“It’s my fault maybe… I’m sorry–” I start to apologize for bringing it up but am interrupted.

“Don’t you dare say that? I would never forgive you. Do you think you are the only one that lost everything? It’s not your place to take the blame…” Her statement hangs in the air. The only noise was the clicking of the clock in the corner. “If anyone should say sorry, it would be me… I don’t know why this happened or why it was so important to be there and not come back. Yet there must have been a reason. So I won’t apologize for it, not when It’s no different than what I may become. When you walk with death, you can’t be surprised if it catches up.” She whispered to herself. The girl’s fist clenched, as she looked off into the world out the window.

I had no idea what she was talking about really but I got it a little.

“What should I do Tohsaka…? If I can’t go back then what can I do? Papa… Mom… I don’t think I can do anything for them anymore. Ah, at least they didn’t find Nii-san… Maybe, just maybe…”

I was mostly just talking to myself really.

A long pause. “You have been good to me. If I found this brother of yours, could that be just payment? If I can save this boy…” She mutters almost desperately. She wanted to help me, I was so happy.

“Could you really do that…?” I looked at her in awe.

“Leave it to me, Katarina. I’ll show you what I’m capable of!” She thrust her finger out, angry but also happy.

“Thank you Tohsaka-san!” I jumped and hugged her.

“Ahhhhhhh, what are you doing?!” She protested loudly.

“I’m giving a hug, of course; that’s the grown-up way to thank people, right?”

Once she breaks out of my hold, her cheeks are red. “That was inappropriate!” Her face formed into an angry scowl. So this is the real Tohsaka.

“You’re funny, Tohsaka; it’s natural for friends to hug.” Her face gets even redder.

“F-friends? I’ll forgive you because you are younger, but we are not friends, hmph.” In a movement, she crosses her arms and looks away from me, flipping her twin tails in the process.

“Does that mean you won’t look for Shirou?” I put on my vulnerable little sister’s face.

“No, no, of course, I will.” She was desperate to rectify the look on my face, the ultimate ability of the youngest sibling.

“That’s his name then, Shirou?” I nod.

“Last name is… I guess I don’t remember haha.”

“You should remember that, don’t you?”

“Sorry.”

I just don’t think it matters anymore.

“It’s fine. Just do that from now on. You need to look after yourself from now on. I will only help you this once, got it?”

“Thank you Tohsaka-san.” I bowed.

“Yes, I won’t come back until I find him, but….” She walks up to the door and looks back, then stops. “It may not be good news. Are you sure you want to know?”

“Of course I do… He’s alive, I’m sure of it.”

I’ve been wishing for it so much, it must be true.

She walks off.

I know that but I believe in her. My mind screams at me, warning me: don’t expect anything! But the more you tell a child not to think or do something, the more they’ll want to do it. I fantasized about our reunion, I would take credit for hiring Tohsaka, and then we would all play together. Mom would wake up if it were us two.

Everything could be happy, if a little different.

Fantasy is comfortable and safe, but ultimately stifling. In fantasy you don’t lose, so you are always setting yourself up for disappointment. Foregone conclusions are the ultimate enemy of fantasy. Eventually, certain facts will refuse to be bent to your delusions and they will strike out at you to bring you back to the cold reality.

Three days passed. I think that this was real-time this time. I kept count of the number of doctors who tried to persuade me to just let Mom be alone to keep time but I wasn’t quite sure anymore.

The beeping continued in her room, but the hospital kept getting more and more silent. They changed my bandages a few times.

Underneath was ———

At some point, Tohsaka came back. I saw her hesitate to come see me, she had a dark expression. I think she was more sad than cool now.

Her voice was cold but artificial; she was trying to kill her empathy. “Your brother is almost certainly dead. I really did look, my guardian even has a list of the remaining orphans at the other hospitals. There isn’t anything that can be done, sorry. You should give up on that.”

Her voice is firm, carrying a cold, unyielding edge, as if she were trying to force me to accept reality through sheer will. As if making it worse to force me to accept it.

I see.

My head felt funny like it was on fire.

I don’t feel well. Shirou was my best friend and my big brother. I don’t really get it. Where is everyone going away to?

He was stronger than me; how come I’m here, and he’s not? Even when mom wakes up, there will be nothing for us to return to.

I can’t help but laugh.

“Hahahahahahahaha” That makes me the oldest now! I am nothing now! I don’t exist if he doesn’t, so I am as dead as him! I’m dead. It’s funny, isn’t it?. “Hahahahahahahahahaha.” tears fall from my eyes, but I am not sad. I’m just laughing too hard. She must be uncomfortable watching me. Does she think I’m weird to laugh? Or does she think I’m a useless crybaby?

Why are you crying? This is what had to happen, mom wouldn’t be able to wake up if they didn’t all die. I hope that that is how it is. A wish happens by stealing from others and redistributing to a new creation. So burn it all. If Shirou is gone then I don’t want anyone else to survive it.

I curse you…! I curse you, whoever is the last survivor of that flame…! I curse you and I hope you know you don’t deserve it…!

From that first day, a few of us lost children remained. Each day, those that were left were taken to be orphans. No one would ever take us in, for we are children of terrible luck.

“Ahhhhhh! Hahahahaha!”

My face must have been twisted with madness—wild eyes, an unhinged grin—because Tohsaka looked away, as if unable to bear the sight of me.

“This is my last visit. My guardian will take over care of my mother.” she turns away from me, refusing to meet my eyes; she must hate me. Eventually, I walked away without a word. I caught a single glance of Tohsaka looking back at me, her eyes had water in them, but no tears fell. “So… goodbye.”

True to her word, she did not apologize for it.

The nurses took her mom away. The world has been too confusing to follow for some time now. So I bawl my eyes out with an empty mind.

I hope that Mom wakes up soon….

I wish this would just stop.

Three days later, I awoke to my hair being stroked. I opened my eyes, and there was Mom, looking down at me. Mom was awake, truly awake.

‘Thank you, Dad, Shirou, you brought her back.’ It confirmed their deaths in my mind.

“—-…. I’m sorry, it was all my fault.” She was apologizing to me, that’s wrong. I was not good. She spoke a lot after that, her entire life story basically. I didn’t understand most of it, but she seemed to be talking to herself anyway. Mom was a magician; it wasn’t that surprising to me; she was pretty amazing after all. She blamed herself for everything that happened. I didn’t know any way of making her feel better, So I just listened.

When the doctor came in, he was amazed to see mom. They wanted to do a bunch of tests on her. But Mom told them, “Treat me as if I were not here,” and they really did. She asked for a letter and a pen; I went and got it obediently. As she wrote her letter, she spoke to me, not wasting a moment. I tried to read it, but it was not in Japanese. “It’s because I was weak that this happened. I want you to be strong, ok?”

“Yes, Mom.”

“I want you to become a magus; this letter will put you on that path.” The words meant nothing, but I knew I had to follow them.

“Okay.”

“You will be fine alone, right? Do it for your brothers, don’t let what happened to them happen again to anyone else.”

“Okay…” I go along with what I am told; if Mom is telling me how it is, then it must be true.

Once she finished the letter, she placed it in the envelope and gave it to a nurse, who wordlessly took it away. “That letter is your future. Wait here for two weeks, and someone will come to pick you up. Don’t give up…” She rested her eyes for a little while. Did she really need more rest? A little more contentment was present on her face. Then she asked the one question that I couldn’t and wouldn’t answer. “…You know, do you remember what really happened with Luka? Y-you might know… right…?” She hesitates. For the first time since she awoke, she is speaking with me rather than at me.

Luka, why does that matter?

But even now, I dare not tell the truth. “I don’t remember…” I stared into her eyes: they were empty, like a dead fish. To answer that question would serve no purpose. Even to a child, there are some secrets dearer than life. The fantasy I gave her that day is comfortable for both of us. I could not… take responsibility for something that was my fault. I was a horrible parasite, but all I ever wanted was for people to be happy…

Again, there is that silence. She stares at my face, taking in every detail. “—-, can you forgive me?” I can feel the tension in her muscles as if the question is hurting her. “Please… —-… for-give…me…” No tears fall, for there is no water left in her body. She is a ghoul, I realize.

“Of course I forgive you, mommy, I love you. Thank you…” It was all my fault. I repaid her love and kindness with death and destruction.

“Heh, thanks…I’m… gl…d…” She falls fast asleep with a light smile. She goes slack.

I drift with her. I follow her up to a point I could go on, but it wouldn’t be right. It’s not fair. I wanna go too. “I will listen! I will be strong now! Don’t go now…! Not yet, not until I can come with you…!”

You take away a child’s family and home. There is nothing left for them. But I have been left with something: a goal. If I am strong, I can do anything; I must not be weak. If I could work hard enough, then one day, I could bring them all back to show off my success. And then maybe, I would be permitted to join them too.

When I woke up the next day, the warmth that sleeping with mom provided was gone. She was back to sleep, but this was the type you would never wake up from: death. I sat in the chair next to her bed.

True to her order, no one checked up on her; her body just stayed there. There was no thought; I didn’t even cry, already exhausted from remembering Dad and Shirou; there was nothing left to give. I felt like I was not me, more like someone else who watched an abandoned child.

So I watched. I would wait for two weeks as she told me to. I watched for a full week, unmoving from the chair, just staring. It was interesting what happens to you when you die, like a flower blooming in reverse. Decay into nothingness, as the world eats you to redistribute your value to other new things.

It interested me, at least. After all, everyone I once loved was dead.

If you stare at one place for a long time, all the unnecessary information will start to disappear. I stared so long that I began to see things. A black miasma hangs around her body; Everything it touched died too, and I didn’t dare come close. Wisps of light flew throughout the air, swirling around her. It would come and go through. My mind couldn’t comprehend it all the time. I knew I had opened a part of my mind, one that could never be truly closed again.

My eyes had come to know the dead, and never again would my eyes lose that sight. From that moment forward, shadows clung to my vision, and I could see things others could not—the lingering traces of those who had passed, the echoes of lives lost, the weight of death itself. It was no gift, nor was it a curse; it was simply a part of me now, an unshakable truth etched into my soul. Eyes that were no longer barred from traversing into that land where the shadows lie.

At that point, I finally woke up.

It had only been one day since I saw Tohsaka.

Mom had passed away silently in the night. She had never woken up.

But I was okay with it. I had been able to say goodbye, even if it was just a dream. I wish it were real even if it were terrible.

I just had no idea what would become of me. Little did I know that some dreams come true in strange ways.

That same day, instead of the people from the orphanage, someone else came to the hospital just as they were going to take away Mom forever.

A really beautiful woman, tall and not at all Japanese just like Mom was.

The mystery woman was obviously European. She wore a fancy blue dress and had flowing elbow-length blond hair. “Get up.” I stood from the chair.

“…” She really was tall. Everything else was grey, but she was blue like an island in the middle of the darkness.

She looked right at me without fear and gazed at me as a hunter would its prey. “You are Katarina Saijo, correct?” She used my middle name, but I was happy for it.

She knew me…?

“Uh…? Who are you?”

“…My name is Henrietta Edelfelt; I am to be your new guardian. Get out of those rags immediately.”

I blinked at her, caught between awe and bewilderment. “Guardian? What are you talking about?”

Henrietta’s lips curled into a haughty smirk, the kind that made it seem as though my confusion was both amusing and a mild inconvenience to her. “Tsk, how utterly hopeless. Did your mother teach you nothing?” She flicked a gloved hand dismissively. “No matter. I shall take it upon myself to correct this grievous oversight.”

She stepped forward, the heels of her shoes clicking against the floor with an air of authority, and scrutinized me as though I were some stray kitten dragged in from the rain. “These garments… ghastly. I can scarcely believe you dared appear before me in such unsightly rags. Change at once, before my eyes are forever scarred.”

My brow twitched. “Excuse me?”

“Did I stutter?” she replied, tilting her head ever so slightly. Her golden curls cascaded like liquid silk, catching what little light there was in the dreary room. “Or have you grown so accustomed to mediocrity that you no longer recognize when someone is offering you a step up in life?”

My fists clenched. “I don’t really under—”

“I told you who I am,” she interrupted smoothly, voice lilting with refined condescension. “Henrietta Edelfelt. Perhaps you’ve heard of the Edelfelt name? No? I suppose one must not expect much from common stock.” She sighed, placing a delicate hand on her forehead as though she were bearing the greatest burden imaginable. “I told Elza that this place would be her end, yet she didn’t listen.”

Elza? That’s my mom’s first name. She really knew her!?

“Now, enough stalling. I have taken great pains to arrange this trip, and I refuse to suffer a moment longer watching you debase yourself with that pitiful excuse for attire in this awful country. There is a wardrobe prepared for you. Something fitting of someone under my care.”

I narrowed my eyes. “…Why should I go? I don’t know…”

Henrietta’s smirk widened ever so slightly, her sapphire gaze sharp as a blade. “Because, ma chère, whether you realize it or not, I am the only one who stands between you and ruin. Now, be a dear and do as you are told. Don’t worry, I will be paid in return. With the death of your mother, half of her Crest will be taken as a deposit in return for looking after you. Otherwise, it’s also acceptable that I take it all and just leave you here, yet that would do little for my reputation. A deal a deal.”

“But mom…”

“Her body will be taken with us, do not fret. She is valuable even now in this form, if only for what remains on her skin. You know what a Magical Crest is course?”

“I… uh…”

“Oh my, you are an ignorant one, aren’t you? I’m a powerful magician, you see, so you should just do as I say.”

“O-ok…”

She was way too strong to say no too.

She had a familiar letter in her hand—the same kind my mother used for important documents—that just made me more confused. A cruel joke. A wish came true, but never in the way I wanted it to.

And so I took her hand, and I left Japan.

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